So for the longest time I was in love with someone who didn’t deserve it. Who still doesn’t deserve it or at least that’s what my friends have to say. But we humans, what do we know about what’s right and what’s not? And i kept bottling my feelings for him for no good reason, just to stop feeling, the pain of him not being around or him being with another girl. I couldn’t even like/love anyone else properly because I was so hell bound to slip under someone else, so that the pain stops, that I made poor choices. And of course because somewhere inside of me I knew if I see him again I’m gonna fall in love with him all over again and we’re going to be in this beautiful love with a happy ending and a new beginning. Have lots of sex, make babies, be great parents together, and he would keep comparing and making fun of the contrast in our our skin colors.

We would live great lives together for he and I have personalities to get good stuff done, live a peaceful life. Too much of a fairy tale, huh? I know!! I’m just like that. When I love, I love like a fucking prince charming. Never giving up. Ignoring all the ugly parts, living in a bubble that might have just burst. I know how he feels, I can see it in his eyes, the love, the fear, the anger. I see that tiny part of him, innocent and full of love, but really he’s just a screwed up twenty something, dealing with the consequences of his own actions and not really facing them.

Being in love with him is the only thing I remember being the constant feeling I know in the past ten years. And now, I’ve been majorly advised to let it go, feel the damn pain! and move on. And I’ve been experiencing that pain and its so, so painful. I keep hoping that before I finally do, he’d sweep me off my feet and surprise me and take me away to our tiny world. But that’s not how it works does it? The real world, the world that we think is inevitable is nothing like the bubble that I’m living in, right? Well, I think differently, I think the world is exactly how you choose to see it. Contradicting to that thought I’ve heard and its in my head, that which is real, is irreplaceable. Maybe there is a reality like that, maybe not, who knows? Maybe we’ll never know. What we can do is keep trying. And you know me, I never give up.

Being strong doesn’t mean i’m this hard rock, it means I can be as soft as I am and still face the consequences with the strength of facing more new ones.


Nothing in Life is Permanent

On the inside i feel like a rush of anger growing inside of me. To the fact that everything that i wanted is fallen apart. Being my own kind trying to control things, boss things around me, ruining my own life. Family, they say is the one thing that remains with you thick and thin. But here? My own Brother throws me out of his life stating that in No World would he want to see my face as soon as he can. Well, that was the one thing you avoid happening. Teenage gets to girls and boys pretty harsh, but this one? Has totally drawn a big line here. So planning that things will remain the way they were is a waste of time. Becoming a bad person or a good person is not exactly something that you can control, but your actions? they definitely are in your hands.

Growing bad temper could only cause trouble and the fact that you are bossy could only make people hate you. Sometimes keeping your thoughts and care for the ones you love to yourself is the one thing that keeps the relations going. Being a child i have dreamt only of a beautiful happy family, to my eyes everything was just perfect. But as i grew up realizing that it isn’t always that way hits you to the bottom of your heart and the fact that you cant express yourself to the world? or to the most to your family members is the worse!

So nothing that you think is permanent will remain the same forever, you might have different plans and all but in the end of the day everything changes and that’s how it is, no matter how hard you push to make yourself to keep it permanent you’ll only be doing it against the nature of the situation. And the fact that you believe in this doesn’t make you mature it just doesn’t make you the product of the circumstances.

I Know That You Know

The poem i wrote 4 years ago in hostel,

High on body;

Burning my floppy,

Of memories past and present.

Days that past an enormous charm;

Now that seems to be high on time,

Times where I need people I don’t have any support to flush up.

But its only you that I know,

Will always be with my times.

No-one can know the way I know;

Things that move and chirp the round,

Its me and only me in deep thoughts I know;

I know what they feel, i Know how they feel,

I know how I feel, but its just me who cant show;

That I know,

I may be wrong and may be strong,

But all i know is your always on the line.

Things fall and times fly;

Papers burn and calls all hung,

I know things that only I know.

My body burns, my soul burns,

The bright fire, and those golden lights,

I know how i feel, and i know that only I know, Things change and make it worse,

But i know that i Know.

Things that work,

And talks that corrupt my entire business,

I’am scared to walk,

But I know that are there.

These lights that burn like fire;

I need not look forward to my desire,

Make me clean and less of burns,

But let me be only with you,

Because I know that only you know;

That I know.

The times I had are worse I might,

But its you who knows that I think Know,

Then the burning lights are not the pains that endure my future,

But they are the wings of the angel in me.

The things that I know only you know,

And the angel in me that only you know;

I can see it slowly,

The burning lights; are not the forthcoming fights,

But they are yet the wings in my soul.

The soul that i know that is all I know,

Has wings that look like burning lights,

They look like pure of heat and fire,

But they are more than my desire.

The angel in me that only know,

And the things I know, that you know;

The burning lights are of soul.

And i don’t really morn,

Those lights that burn are my wings of my soul,

Things I know are all in here,

And those burning lights are my pure.

The part that I know that only you know,

That I try to walk the path you way,

Still from the depth of my heart as i sway,

Because that’s all i can say as you know.

The great escape, Into the beauty .

The great escape from the summer days to this beautiful place we call Assam. My father being in army is posted there so i spent my summer days there. it was also hot there but obviously less compared to the terrible heat of Rajasthan. So we stayed at he placed roamed around and saw the beauty of nature, that how god creates such small little things that we think are our enemies because it just creeps us out.  Read More

SO, the heat really gets in your head really, sometimes it gets really boring, and sometimes its really irritating, but being home is something that provides so much of comfort and peace. Things around s effect us so much, the people we live with, even if that is family, things annoy us so much that we sometimes reply in the manner we aren’t supposed to.

Today, i might be fighting with somebody for something that i want, because there is always something that one always wants, ones own comfort, ones own profit and benefit. Read More

Through the summer days…

The sun shines bright, right above in the sky. The heat is tremendous right besides the time. Children play in the grounds as the heat falls down, running in swim suits all around the room. The pool is full with tall big people and small little creatures, shouting, screaming in joy. Its holiday time and one has nothing much that occupies, sitting at home, watching movies, serials , eating ice cream, all those things that were your dream in the busy days are now just moments you just wanna pass on, finding something to discover, to work on, something interesting that ¬†occupies your mind… Read More

The Love of a Friend

So, just another day of my stupid life there are things that i collect as memories, and those that i wanna throw away.

My best college friend shift to my home, stay with me the whole day and just as a usual communication problem, it starts to effect you so much that you become a part of their life, a very important one. Read More