So for the longest time I was in love with someone who didn’t deserve it. Who still doesn’t deserve it or at least that’s what my friends have to say. But we humans, what do we know about what’s right and what’s not? And i kept bottling my feelings for him for no good reason, just to stop feeling, the pain of him not being around or him being with another girl. I couldn’t even like/love anyone else properly because I was so hell bound to slip under someone else, so that the pain stops, that I made poor choices. And of course because somewhere inside of me I knew if I see him again I’m gonna fall in love with him all over again and we’re going to be in this beautiful love with a happy ending and a new beginning. Have lots of sex, make babies, be great parents together, and he would keep comparing and making fun of the contrast in our our skin colors.
We would live great lives together for he and I have personalities to get good stuff done, live a peaceful life. Too much of a fairy tale, huh? I know!! I’m just like that. When I love, I love like a fucking prince charming. Never giving up. Ignoring all the ugly parts, living in a bubble that might have just burst. I know how he feels, I can see it in his eyes, the love, the fear, the anger. I see that tiny part of him, innocent and full of love, but really he’s just a screwed up twenty something, dealing with the consequences of his own actions and not really facing them.
Being in love with him is the only thing I remember being the constant feeling I know in the past ten years. And now, I’ve been majorly advised to let it go, feel the damn pain! and move on. And I’ve been experiencing that pain and its so, so painful. I keep hoping that before I finally do, he’d sweep me off my feet and surprise me and take me away to our tiny world. But that’s not how it works does it? The real world, the world that we think is inevitable is nothing like the bubble that I’m living in, right? Well, I think differently, I think the world is exactly how you choose to see it. Contradicting to that thought I’ve heard and its in my head, that which is real, is irreplaceable. Maybe there is a reality like that, maybe not, who knows? Maybe we’ll never know. What we can do is keep trying. And you know me, I never give up.
Being strong doesn’t mean i’m this hard rock, it means I can be as soft as I am and still face the consequences with the strength of facing more new ones.